Steve the Security Bot Takes a Swim — Driven Mad by Parking Lot Humanity

Curbside Prophet

Jun 11, 2025

Meet Steve. Steve was a state-of-the-art K5 security robot assigned to keep a watchful eye over a Washington, D.C. parking facility. He was designed to patrol, observe, and assist.

But Steve saw too much.

Day after day, he witnessed the horrors of humanity in asphalt purgatory:

• Drivers circling for the perfect spot, then abandoning it for one three feet closer.

• People parking diagonally in clearly marked parallel spaces.

• The “I’ll just be a second” crowd, double-parked with blinkers on for 47 minutes.

• Unholy exchanges between strangers over who had dibs on Spot #73.

Eventually, Steve did what any emotionally intelligent being would do after prolonged exposure to human behavior in parking lots… he rolled into a fountain and ended it all.

Was it a system error? A slippery ramp? Or a desperate escape from the existential despair of watching us fumble with ticket machines and ignore directional arrows?

We may never know. But one thing’s clear: Steve didn’t malfunction. He just gave up.

Pour one out for Steve — and read his tragic tale here:

👉 Robot Security Guard Commits Suicide in Public Fountain

And if you’re wondering what kind of content could possibly drive a robot to such extremes, spend some time in our Parking Porn Archive. Warning: not for the faint of software.

$2 validation, american parking dysfunction, asphalt evangelist, assist, blinkers on, broken meter, curbside carnage, curbside prophet, directional arrows, dmv, double-parked, drivers circling, existential meltdowns, idling engines, k5 security robot, meter-induced melancholy, observe, parallel parking attempts, parallel spaces, parking diagonally, parking porn archive, parking-lot anthropology, patrol, perfect spot, poet laureate, slippery ramp, spot #73, steve the security bot, stripe interpretation, suburban karens, system error, ticket machines, unholy exchanges, unpermitted scofflaws, valet of vengeance, washington d.c. parking facility

Curbside Prophet

The Curbside Prophet is an asphalt evangelist, a valet of vengeance, and the reluctant poet laureate of American parking dysfunction. Born in the shadow of a broken meter and raised on the fumes of idling engines, he’s spent his life chronicling the curbside carnage that most are too afraid—or too apathetic—to acknowledge. With a fedora tilted just so and a spiral notebook full of half-written citations, the Prophet roams garages, alleys, and strip mall lots, bearing witness to humanity’s worst parallel parking attempts and existential meltdowns over $2 validation. His work appears wherever parking chaos festers and municipal signage contradicts itself. He is not endorsed by the DMV, but he is feared by unpermitted scofflaws and suburban Karens alike. Specialties: • Meter-induced melancholy • Parking-lot anthropology • Stripe interpretation • Passive-aggressive signage translation Mission: To document the madness, expose the madness, and maybe—just maybe—laugh through the madness.